Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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