I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He felt like a one man threesome
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
