I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
