all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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