I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
