When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
