i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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