Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
