I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
