You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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