I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
