I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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