I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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