Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
