How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
