I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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