I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
