you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
