do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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