isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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