Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
