Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
