she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
