i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize