Got a toothbrush?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
