Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
