And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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