He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
where am i from again
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
