Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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