I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
