We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
