Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize