You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
