No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
