Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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