if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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