I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
