I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
