Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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