I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
