My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize