DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
