My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
