i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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