I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
