I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
