pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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