The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
