i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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