I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
