Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
