My nipple is on Facebook.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
