Whod you bang
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
