I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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