I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
