happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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