My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
