i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
