I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
