Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
