Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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