he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
