i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize