I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
