Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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