We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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