i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
