I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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