I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
