i love accidental penises.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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